Guide To The Mall

First of all, it's best not to tackle the mall alone. Bring some friends with you. "Girl Day at the Mall" can even become a regular event. The thing about the mall if you're used to thrifting or whatever is that you don't have to consider whether you and your friends are going to fight over the same cool thing—there's usually plenty of whatever it is to go around! This was kind of a revelation for me when I braved the mall a couple years back, needing some decent clothes for my foray into temping. I was like, "Wow—if it doesn't fit, you can get another size!! And you even get to pick which color you want!" Anyways, as long as your friends are fairly adventurous and have a decent amount of tolerance for the weird mall environment (a humorous "cultural anthropologist" stance is certainly an asset), you should be set.

Now, it is clearly true that not all malls are created equal. Some have much more to offer than others. However, there is usually a decent selection of malls to choose from in any given area. And though the malls are different, there is much that's common to all of them. (Well, duh—that's why they're malls.) If you haven't been in a mall in a while, you'll find a lot of new odd things. One of the oddest being a store called Hot Topic—also commonly known as "the punk rock store at the mall." I could write pages about the deeper meaning of a punk rock store at the mall (throwing in copious tales of "back in my day we had to go to pet stores to buy studded collars") but I'll spare you. The staff of these stores usually don't seem to see the irony of it all, and are perplexed by the giggles and gasps of the old-punk-rockers-of-yesteryear who pass through (or just assume they're shocked at how outrageous the merchandise is). The (other) funny thing about Hot Topic is the "departments" they have: there's the goth section, the pseudo-hippie section, the skater dude section, the Punk Rock Classic section, etc. But I have to admit that for all the scoffing we do, everyone I know who's been in a Hot Topic has ended up buying something, from Morbid Makeup (their own line of cosmetics, with otherwise hard-to-find items like goth-white foundation!) to weird tights to dumb shoes to spooky jewelry to cheap sunglasses.

There are usually a couple of "trendy teen stores" that are worth checking out, like Rave or Wet Seal. These usually play awful, terrible music that will sometimes drive you out of the store before you even get to look at anything. They also have a lot of really horrid clothes. But they have some cool stuff too. The problem I tend to have is that these clothes are geared toward skinny, tiny, teeny girls, a category that doesn't include me. And interestingly, they are usually out of the "large" sizes, possibly because they are more likely to actually fit most shoppers. But sometimes you can get lucky and find something decent that fits (or if you're a teeny little thing, you can have a field day!) They also have tons of accessories, shoes, etc., so there's plenty of pickin's. They also tend to have some crazy cheap sales. Even the grossest-looking store will sometimes have one cool thing hiding out, so they're definitely worth braving, if you can stand it. (Sometimes I can't.)

Speaking of accessories, another mall treasure is Claire's, found nationwide I believe. The friendly staff will give you a little basket into which you can toss a bunch of cheapo barrettes, jewelry, etc. of your choice while you browse. I never find anything I want there, though my friends tend to clean up. But the reason I love going there is that most Claire'ses feature my favorite new (sort of) diversion - the photo sticker machine. These are certainly becoming more common, but for a while Claire's was the only place I knew of that had them. In case you are unaware of this boon to modern society, it's like a photo booth, but instead of a strip of pictures, you get 16 tiny stickers with the border of your choice, so you can divide them up, give them to your friends, etc. (The ones at Claire's even have a handy list of suggested uses around the border: "stick 'em on your pager!" being one of the most thoughtful.) Getting stickers at Claire's is good for two reasons: being able to retake the photo oodles of times if you don't like it is one of them. But the main thing is, you're in an accessory store—why not accessorize for your pictures? (Last time I was at Claire's—only two weeks ago, if you must know—they had a sign on the machine forbidding this, but they didn't seem to notice when we brought a pink feather boa and some tiaras in with us.)

My favorite mall has some other nice quirks, like the As Seen on TV store. Everything you've ever seen on an infomercial and more is in here. Once I heard a woman ask the cashier, "Does this really work?" "Of course it works!" he said. "Everything in here works. Except for 2% of them." I tried to find out what didn't work, but he wouldn't fess up. Other frequent stops are the Sanrio store, a Spencer Gifts (for all your gag-gift needs), and Frederick's of Hollywood (the sale bin can be good, but stay away from the dressing rooms, they smell like must!!!).

If you stay long enough at the mall, you're bound to need a snack. Most malls worth their salt have a food court. Here, you are at your own risk, as many of the booths have trickster food (that looks good, but really isn't). You might be better off with a light snack like an Auntie Anne's pretzel (which are really, really good) or a beverage (Orange Julius is a classic mall treat). Some malls have an arcade handy too which is nice if you have to take a break from shopping but aren't quite ready to leave yet.

Finally, there are the department stores to consider. Usually these are not as much fun as the little stores, but there's one big exception: the cosmetics department. Don't be scared off if the counter girls seem snooty; some are friendly, and even the snooty ones will usually help you (especially when they think they might make a sale). The best thing by far about the cosmetics department are SAMPLES. It's kind of intimidating, but I recommend brazenly inquiring about samples whenever you can. Sometimes they'll say they don't have any, but other times they'll give you stuff or even make you a custom sample if you're interested in a particular product. And if you buy anything, you should definitely ask if they can throw in some stuff (I've seen one friend use the line "If I buy this, are you gonna load me down with samples?" several times to great effect, when I knew she was going to buy the thing anyway!). I've found that Clinique, Clarins, Philosophy, Lancome and Origins are particularly generous with the goods.

I hope I've inspired you to plan a trip to the mall. Even if you don't buy anything, you can have a lot of fun just taking it all in—especially if you stop & admire your fellow mall-goers, often the very picture of bad fashion. Just make sure you don't get overwhelmed, hyperventilate, glaze over, charge yourself into a bad situation, get a dumb haircut, or succumb to any of the other mall perils. (Another reason to bring some friends, so you can look out for each other.) Go forth & have fun!